My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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