FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
