great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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