I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize
