I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
