Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
