we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
