I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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