Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
