I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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