He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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