my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
