And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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