I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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