youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
