life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
