I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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