My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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