omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he was CRYING into my vagina
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
