Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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