3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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