When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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