Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
