I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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