"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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