You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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