There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
birth control should be required to get into college
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
