this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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