Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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