yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so let's talk penis.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
