Non-Jews are for practice
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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