if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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