I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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