are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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