I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
