im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
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