she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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