it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
COCAINE IS GR8
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
