he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I have tasted many bathrooms
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
