I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
