I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
