I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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