And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
