our cab driver is having phone sex.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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