we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
