two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
