so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
