I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
