Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
