I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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