i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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